


Orbs of Blue

by BakaRamenBowl



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Humanstuck, M/M, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-03
Updated: 2013-05-03
Packaged: 2017-12-10 06:02:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/782643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BakaRamenBowl/pseuds/BakaRamenBowl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Karkat has to watch The love of his life die in his arms, his mind blanks out. He is too broken to remember anything for two years, and when his mind wakes up, All he can do is hopelessly fall into orbs of blue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Orbs of Blue

I miss his lips against mine. The way they moved, the way they pressed moans and gasps from me. I miss his hands too; the way his large hands caressed my body, knowing just where to touch to get me to react. I miss his voice. I miss how deep and smooth it was, with just a touch of an accent from his home state. I miss the things he talked about. Half the time I didn’t understand what he was talking about, but he always knew how to make me feel perfect. I miss his height. I miss his face, his eyes, and his rare but perfect smile. I miss how he would never look weak, how he kept this façade of cool collected calm about him.   
I miss how he told me I was beautiful, when I knew that he was the beautiful one. I miss his white hair, his pale freckled skin, and his stupid shades. I miss his red eyes, the one thing that showed we had something in common. I miss him.  
“Karkat, how are you holding up?” Kanaya, one of my best friends, asked me, worry and sadness swirling in her deep jade eyes. Her girlfriend, also his step-sister, was sobbing next to her.   
How was I holding up? I just lost the love of my life. How did she think I was feeling?  
“I’m doing alright.” I say softly, looking up at the mahogany casket in front of the room. It was too dark for the brilliance trapped within; feigning sleeps never to wake again.  
“Alright, if you say so…” She said, looking back at Rose, rubbing her back, trying to calm her.  
I want him to be beside me, calming me instead of being locked in a box. I glance over at his dad, who insists on being called bro, seeing as he’s barely fourteen years older than he was. He stood there holding his wife’s hand. She looked like Rose, except that she’s crying softly, and Bro is the one sobbing like his heart would never mend.  
The way I wish I could.  
I had been with him since we were thirteen, and had just ended seventh grade. He had just turned nineteen, and we had celebrated the way we had for the past four years; with a romantic dinner and spending the night in his bed. That was four months ago.  
And two weeks ago, he had been killed. I remember holding his hand, walking down a crowded street in town, when there was a loud bang. There was a long moment of silence before everyone started running. I had tried to pull him with me, but he was frozen to the spot. I remember the way he looked at me, the shock evident on his face, despite his shades. I remember the way he has said my name, a trickle of red rolling down his chin, his voice thick and low, a soft bubbly sound following it. Then he fell. I rushed and caught him, easing him to the ground as red stained his chest. He clung to my shirt, tears rolling down his cheeks as I held his head up, holding him close. He didn’t say he didn’t want to die. He didn’t say he was scared. No. What he said was that he didn’t want to leave me. He didn’t want to leave me behind. I held him as he left anyway. I watched the life leave him, and I held him as he went cold. I don’t remember flipping shit my when the paramedics tried to take him, but I do remember when Kanaya wrapped me into a hug and held me as I fell apart.  
Exactly the way I can’t right now.  
Before he was buried, we got to go up and pay our final respects. I leaned down and kissed him. But after that first kiss, I couldn’t stop leaving small pecks all over his face. I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t want to go. I needed him with me.   
My older brother was the one who led me away from him, who held me as I shook. There were no tears, no sobs. It was just shaking. Kankri whispered comforting words in my ear and gently rubbed circles on my back. This was something he had never done before. Kankri hates being touched. I can’t remember the last time he even brushed past me. Let alone hugged me. That was always Dave’s job.   
Dave was the one who held me at my father’s funeral. Dave was the one that held me when my mother lost her mind and had to be put in an institution. Dave was the one that held me when we didn’t know if my Sisters would make it through when Meulin’s boyfriend was driving them home and they got hit by a truck. He was the one to hold me when we got the news. Dave was the one that held me at Nepeta’s funeral.  
Dave was the one. He glued me together so that I could be strong for everyone else, even when I had wanted nothing more than to shatter completely. And now he’s dead.   
Dave’s dead. My Dave; My love; my other half; my best friend; My Dave is dead.  
Right then, I just stopped. Stopped feeling, stopped caring, stopped thinking. I didn’t want to live without him. He’s the one that kept me going for so long. How can I be strong if my strength is no longer here with me?

* * * 

After that, everything was a blur. I had no clue what day it was, or where I was. What I was doing, or who I was talking to. I just can’t remember, and a part of me doesn’t want to.  
But the next thing I literally remember is waking up to the brightest, bluest sky I had ever seen, and the worst pounding headache. Then I realize that what i thought was the sky was really a pair of eyes.  
“Hey, are you okay?” His voice is soft as he reaches up and brushes my hair out of my face. “Can you hear me?”   
“Ung…” I groaned, attempting to sit up. His hands pushed me back against the couch I was laying on. Wait… couch? “Where am I?” My mouth is horribly dry and my voice is scratchy and weird.  
“You’re at my place. I found you on the side of the highway, in a ditch. You must have lost your wallet because you have no identification on you.” He explains softly, finally helping me up and pressing a glass of water and two aspirin into my hands. “The side of the highway is a dangerous place to be; especially in the winter and especially in Washington.”  
“Washington? How the fuck did I get to Washington?” I ask, looking at him with wide eyes.  
“What do you mean, little white dude?” He tilts his head like a puppy.  
“I’m from Michigan. Detroit. Home of the faygo and some sort of car… I never paid any attention, it’s not like I’d be able to drive.”  
“Wow. You really have come a long way. And you don’t know how you got here?” He asks. I look at him.  
He has black hair sticking up everywhere, and fair skin with freckles. He has a nice face at least. And then those blue eyes. They looked like they held every known shade of blue and then some. He’s well lanky and thin, but not an unhealthy thin. More like I got the tall genetics but not the wide ones, yet he didn’t look stretched out at all. Willowy, I think is the right descriptor.   
“No. I don’t.”  
“What’s the last thing you remember?” He asks.  
A mahogany box, just like two others I had seen lowered into the ground. A pale face, one that was too pale, even for him. The suit should have been red, not black. Black wasn’t his color. It never had been. His usually stoic bro/dad sobbing. A hug from my own brother. His stepsister sobbing like his dad. A kiss pressed against cold unfeeling lips.  
“I had to watch the love of my life get put into the ground.”

* * * 

He doesn’t ask me my name, and I don’t ask for his. It had been 2011 when Dave died. Now it’s late December 2013. I had missed two whole years of my life, and I don’t even know how to get back home. When I had first woken up, it had been late Friday evening. Now it was early Sunday afternoon. What’s-his-face was in another room, cooking, and I am watching teletubbies for the fifteenth time in a row. Why do all of his channels have little kid shows on them?! Just as I am about to throw the remote through the television screen, the door flies open, and there’s a blur of yellow and blue. Said blur freezes in front of me and gawks at me.  
It was a little girl with blond hair in pigtails, wearing a bright yellow dress and blue and yellow striped leggings and bright blue boots that had snow caked on them. She also had blue eyes matching the man’s eyes.  
She seemed to be taking an interest in my own appearance, seeing as she was looking me over closely.  
Then she screams. Which startles me, causing me to cry out, which makes her scream again, which causes a black haired woman and the nice guy to come running into the room. The woman his me and the nice guy picks up the girl and grabs the woman.  
“Jade, Casey, he’s cool. It’s fine.”  
“Who is he?” the woman demands, pulling away and pushing up her round glasses and glares at me.  
“I… don’t know his name.” The guy winces. Jade looks horrified.  
“You let a stranger into your house, and you don’t even bother to learn his name?!” She practically screams. “What kind of father are you?! What if he’s a child molester?! God John, you’re an idiot!”  
John winces, and then looks at me warily.  
“Not a molester. And I’m definitely not interested in girls, so that makes her doubly safe.” I say, gesturing to the little girl. I still don’t know what name goes to what girl. “Besides, I didn’t even know he had a kid.”  
“See Jade? He’s cool.”  
“So you say. Jade Harley. I’m John’s half-sister.” She said, holding her hand out.  
I slowly take her hand. “Karkat Vantas. John found me in a ditch.”  
“Casey!” The little girl shouts. John laughs and bops her nose, causing her to scrunch up her face and glare at him.  
“This is Casey, my daughter.” John says, bouncing her on his hip slightly. She giggles.  
“So, you’re married?” I ask.  
John falls silent, and a look of pained sadness filled his eyes as he held Casey closer Jade quickly wrapped him in a hug, but just the look on his face told him that she wasn’t the one he wanted hugging him.  
“… I’m sorry…” I say quietly. I knew that feeling all too well.  
“It’s fine. You didn’t know. Emma died in childbirth, so Casey’s all I have left of her.”  
“Mommy?” The little blond girl asks.  
“Yeah. Mommy.” John murmurs, kissing her head.  
Jade let go. “I have to go. Jake is still in the car, waiting.”  
“Oh. Tell him to call Jane. She misses him.” John says as Jade starts to walk away. She winks and nods and then she’s gone, closing the door after her.  
“Introductions then? I’m John Egbert, and this is Casey Egbert. And you are Karkat Vantas. Okay. Now we all know each other. Go wash your hands, both of you. I just finished with lunch.” He said, setting Casey down and she ran off to go wash her hands.  
“Karkat. Before you go, can I ask you a few questions?” He said as I stand to go wash my hands. I slowly nod and sit back on the couch, with him sitting next to me. “First off, do you have any family in Detroit?”  
“Last I can remember, yeah. But then again, my memory is a huge blank for two years, so they may have moved.”  
“Do you remember their telephone numbers?”  
“Yeah.”   
“Do you want to call them.” It was a mix between a statement and a question, like he wanted me to call them, but he wanted to make sure I wanted to as well.  
I think about it. Kankri would be pissed beyond belief. And Meulin can’t hear. Eridan would be a pissy little nightmare, and Kanaya would have a fit. Sollux… You could never be too sure with Sollux. I would rather not risk it.  
“There’s one person I would like to call.” I say. He nods and hands me his cell phone.  
I quickly dial the number and anxiously count the rings. One… Two… Thr-  
“Hello, this is Dr. Rose Lalond’s personal phone number. Who are you and what is your reason for calling me today?” It was her voice, but it sounded older… Like mine.  
“R-Rose?” I wince. John gives my back a small pat, then gets up and goes to feed Casey, who had just appeared in the doorway.  
“I just said that was my name. Obviously you are someone I am acquainted with if you address me so casually. Who is calling?” Blunt and to the point, if a bit wordy; classic Rose Lalond.   
“It’s me…” My voice cracks and I tear up a bit. How long has it been since I last heard her voice? “It’s Karkat…”  
There’s silence.   
“Rose?”  
“Whoever you are, this prank call is not funny. Impersonating a dear friend of mine to get some sort of reaction will not work. Unless you wish for the reaction to be a call to the police, I suggest that you tell me who you really are and the real reason for the call.”  
“Rose, it really is me. Why would I lie to you?”  
“Karkat Vantas disappeared two years ago. No one has heard from him since and he was declared legally dead seven months later.” Her voice cracked, and I can hear her take a shuddery breath.  
“Rose Bridgette Lalond, I swear on David Elizabeth Strider’s grave that I am exactly who I say I am.” I say.  
There’s an ominous silence.  
“Where are you.” Not a question. A demand.  
“I… Uh… I’m in Washington?” I shiver.  
“WHY DIDN’T YOU CONTACT US?!?!” She screams, I hold the phone away from my ear. “YOU ASSHOLE! WE WERE ALL WORRIED SICK! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US! I CANNO-“  
“Hello?” Another voice. Another one that I knew so well. Quiet, but articulate. Elegant. Defined.  
“Kanaya?”  
“Whoever this is, I will hunt you down and make you suffer for making my dearest Rose cry.”  
“Good to know.”  
“Who is this, so I know who to maim?”  
“Karkat.”  
She’s quiet for a moment. “Please do not joke around with that name. He was a dear friend to all of us. And if this prank is the reason my love cannot calm down, I will kill you slowly and painfully.”  
“This isn’t a joke. I really am Karkat.”  
More silence. “How can I take your word for that?”  
“I already swore on David Elizabeth Strider’s grave that I am who I say I am.”  
“Anyone with a brain can look up that information.”  
“….How are Kankri and Meulin doing? And Gamzee. And Sollux? And Eridan? How are they? Do they miss me? Do you miss me? I’m sorry I was gone so long. I missed myself too. I don’t remember any of the last two years. The last thing I remember is Kankri holding meat Dave’s funeral. I miss Dave most. Did Equius finally ask Aradia out? Did she say yes? Did Tavros finally get his prosthetic legs? Did Gamzee ever tell Tav how he feels? How are Dirk and Roxy? How is your cat? I’m so sorry I missed everything. I broke. I honest to god finally broke. I’m sorry for that. I don’t want you guys to hate me. Did Kankri ever tell Latula that he’s in love with her? Did Mituna ever fall for Cronus? And Meenah and Feferi… How are they?” I stopped because if I continued, I would start crying and never stop.  
“… Where have you been?” Her voice was shaky and very soft.  
“I honestly don’t know…. Not here…” I say equally as soft.  
“Where are you now?”  
“Washington.”  
“Where in Washington?”  
“Uh… Give me a second….” I said, sniffing and walking into the other room. “Hey, John, where are we exactly?”  
“In a universe.”  
“I know that.”  
“In a galaxy, in a solar system, orbiting a star on the third planet called earth, on a continent located on the surface of the planet, in a country located on that continent, in a state within that country, in a county within that state, in a city within that county, in a neighborhood within that city, on a street within that neighborhood, in a house on that street and in a room inside that house.” He grins at me, and I notice that he has braces.  
“I FUCKING KNOW ALL OF THAT NOW WHERE THE FUCK ARE WE?!” I shout, having lost my temper. Casey and John jump, having not expected it.  
“Tacoma. And please watch your language around Casey? She’s started to parrot things.” He gives me a stern fatherly glare, to which I roll my eyes and walk out of the room.  
“Tacoma.” I tell Kanaya, who is laughing at my outburst.  
“Tacoma. What is the address?”   
I groan, then turn and walk back in to pry the address out of John. After giving her the address, she asks for the name of the person who has been housing me for the past couple of days.  
“He’s John Egbert. And he has this little brat named Casey.” I say.  
“Oh? Interesting.” She said quietly. “May I speak with him?”  
“Yeah sure.” I go back into the dining room and hand him the phone.  
His face gets this strange lit up quality about it. Then he gets up and leaves the room. He returns a while later, after I had already washed my hands and eaten my lunch.  
“Dr. Lalond is going to pay for all of us to travel back to Detroit.”  
“Why are you coming with?” I ask.  
“Because I’m the one that took you in. It is my responsibility to get you back safely. And I can’t leave Casey alone. And Jade would hate me forever if I didn’t bring her and her Uncle. And my aunt would hate me if she couldn’t come along to take care of me.”  
“So your whole family is coming along just to make sure I get back safely.” I say, giving him a blank look.  
“Yeah, pretty much.” He nods before grinning at me. That smile made my chest grow warm, and my head go stupid. What the hell….?  
I shake my head and go lay on the couch again.

* * * 

In the next two weeks, I helped John and Casey pack up their shit for the trip. How long did they expect to be staying?! Any way, We got to the airport, and there was Jade and a guy who looked like John and a slightly chubby woman with short hair, all waiting for us.  
“Oh my, what beautiful white hair.” The chubby woman said, immediately running her hands through my short wavy hair. If it gets any longer it’ll start curling.   
I duck out of her hands and growl, smoothing my hair the best I can. I didn’t have any luggage, so it was just waiting for them when we got on the plane, and again when we got to the Detroit airport. A butler looking dude was holding a sign that read: “Egberts, Harley, Crocker, English and the albino kitty Kat.”  
“Oh god, shoot me now.” I groan, walking over. “Hello, Aurthor.”   
“Mister Vantas. These are your friends, I presume?”  
“You presume correctly.” Jane said. We had the introductions on the private jet.  
“Well then, the car is just this way.” He led us to a limo and I groaned again.  
“Well, your friends are really well off, now aren’t they?” Jake said, getting into the limo with everyone else.  
“I guess you could say that. Aurthor is the butler for the Zahhak family. The youngest son was my twin sister’s best friend. He actually had a crush on her, but he didn’t know that’s what it was and even then it took until the accident for him to realize it and by then it was too late. After that he pursued a friend of Nep’s named Aradia. I don’t know if that worked out at all.”  
“Accident? What happened?” Jade asked, looking worried.  
“My older sister had this boyfriend, who is the older brother of my best friend. He was giving the two of them a ride home from the mall, and they got his by a speeding truck, in the fucking snow. Kurloz was hardly injured, but both of my sisters were in critical condition and needed surgery. I got there with my boyfriend as soon as I could. After a few hours, they gave us the news. Nepeta was gone, and Meulin had suffered extreme head damage, so they couldn’t assess the extent until she woke up. Turns out she sustained permanent loss of hearing in her left ear and three quarters of it in her right ear.   
“And then to make it worse, Kurloz blamed himself. He stopped talking completely and got these weird bar piercings to hold his lips shut. And he broke up with Meulin, which broke her heart. She never deserved that. She’s too kind to lose not only her sister, but her hearing and her love all at once. I wonder how she is now.” I trailed off, lost in my own thoughts. Is my sign language still good enough to talk to and understand her? How angry will she be? Does she miss me?  
“Oh wow… I’m sorry, Karkat…” John said, patting my arm. “How did your family take it?”  
“Pretty hard. Kankri blamed himself, considering that he’s the oldest and has to take care of us since our parents are gone. Meulin was really close to Nepeta, so that broke her heart even more. And I lost a literal half of me.”  
“What happened to your parents?”  
“Oh Wow! It must be pry into Karkat’s dark painful past day, and I missed the fucking memo.” I yell, throwing my hands up. Then I slump with a sigh. “Did you guys ever hear of The Sufferer and The Disciple?”  
“You mean the leaders of that peaceful protest movement that ended in a violent massacre?” Jake said.  
I wince “Yeah. Them.”  
“What about them?” Jane asks.  
“They’re my parents. Dad was killed horribly, with Kankri right next to him. Kankri was twelve, and Nep and I were four. Meulin was eight. Mom managed to last four more years before she just lost it and went mad.”  
“Oh no…”  
“Kankri can’t stand being touched anymore. He just can’t get the texture of blood to go away, and its worse when people touch him. Dad’s death is also the reason why he’s so big on not offending people. He doesn’t want anyone to get murdered again.”  
“You poor thing…” Jane said, ruffling my hair again. “You’ve been through so much… No wonder you just detached yourself and disappeared.”  
“That wasn’t the reason I did that. The reason was that I lost my Best friend. He was actually planning on taking me to Canada and marrying my sorry albino ass too…” Why can’t I cry? I want to cry so badly. I want to scream and throw a fit and beg for my family and my Dave back. But the pain just stays inside and the tears never come. I haven’t truly cried in so long. Since Nepeta. But it doesn’t make it any less painful.  
The rest of the ride was painfully silent, and finally we pull in front of the Lalond manor. Aurthor leads us up inside and leaves us in the foyer That is where the she devil appears. In a lavender turtleneck and sensible black slacks, black pumps and a black hair band holding her bangs out of her face, Black lipstick, despite her pale complexion, and her white-blond hair perfectly in place.  
“Rose!” John rushes over and hugs her. “It’s been way too long!”  
“I agree completely, John. It has been, what, twelve years now? Over a decade, John Egbert, and only the occasional Emails?”  
“Heh heh, sorry. I had a lot of stuff going on.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck.  
“You even went and had a daughter. I though I was supposed to mother your child, John. You promised me, you asinine prankster.” She winked at him, and he laughed.   
“Well, it’s kind of hard to have a child with someone who’s not only a lesbian, but also by late best bro’s sister, who I promised never to touch like that anyway. Which contradicts the whole you being the mother of my children promise, but hey, what can we do about it now?”  
She laughed and hugged him again. “Like I said, far too long.”   
Then she walked over and chatted with everyone else before looking at me.  
“Karkat Frederick Vantas.”  
“Rose Bridgette Lalond.”  
She literally tackles me and sobs. I manage to keep us both upright, but I still hadn’t expected her to do that.  
“Why didn’t you contact us?” She sobs into my shoulder.  
“I don’t know.” I say quietly, hugging her tightly. After a moment, she pulls away and wipes her face of, grinning sadly at me.   
“Follow me.” She says after clearing her throat. “You can leave your bags, the servants will put them in your rooms.” She turned on her heel to lead us into a large living room filled with… my friends and family. They were all talking to each other, and it was Kurloz who notices us first. He taps on Meulin’s shoulder and she looks over at us.   
I watch as her olive green eyes widen fill with tears and a sob escapes her. Then she runs right over and wraps me in one of her big bear hugs, sobbing and laughing and grinning and sad and happy and just pure Meulin.   
I don’t cry, but I hug her so hard, I was afraid I was going to break her. She smells just like mom, all earthy and motherly and there. That’s the only way I can describe it. When we finally pull away, she starts signing rapidly at me, I can’t read exactly what she’s saying, but I get the gist of it. I sign back saying that I’m sorry for being gone so long. And explaining that I didn’t know I was gone.  
She wraps me into another hug, and pulls away suddenly looking at Kankri. He looks just like dad, except he looked more worn out. The last time you had seen him, Dave had died.   
Kankri grabs me silently and hugs me tightly, much like Meulin, but not at the same time. He doesn’t let me go, even when Meulin wrapped the both of us into a hug. Then he gave a shuddery breath and I knew that he was crying.  
When my family finally stepped away, my friends were there to greet me. Kanaya’s the first, and she hugs me tightly as she cries. Eridan punches me hard in the shoulder before actually picking me up in a tight hug. Equius gives my shoulder an awkward pat, and Aradia hugs me with a grin and a welcome home. Sollux punches me really hard twice before giving me another tight hug. He actually starts to cry, but he tries really hard to hide it. I only laugh, earning me another two punches. Feferi hugs me tightly, and Meenah presses a sloppy kiss to my lips. Aranea gently hugs me and Vriska attempts to leave a hickey on my neck. Mituna hugs me for a moment before freaking out and needing Kurloz to calm him down. Latula hugs me, but she randomly is fat, so it was a little awkward, and Porrim, Horuss, Rufioh, Tavros and Kurloz all give me gentle hugs and I’m glad you’re back  
Then Gamzee walked over. The fucker got taller, and I give him a small scowl for it. “Hey Ga-,” Why am I looking to the side? Why does my cheek sting? I look up at him and he’s giving me this really dark look. I reach up and gently pap his face, like I would since we were kids. “Shoosh…”  
His dark indigo eyes overflow with tears, and he bends down to hug me. “I motherfucking missed you…” He said, his voice cracking and pitching every which way.  
“I missed you too, Gam.” I say softly. Again I wonder why I can’t cry. Maybe it’s because I’m not strong enough to pull myself back together once I do fall apart. Like my mother did.  
Once Gamzee and I break apart, Roxy, aka Mom Lalond, rushes over and hugs me tightly. That brings back far too many painful memories and I flinch with a whimper. She pulls away, cupping my face in her hands and looking into my reddish pink eyes with her hot pink ones. She looks worn out, like Kankri. Like Meulin. Like everyone.  
“We all missed you, dear. So much. First David is taken away, and then you go poofified on us. We looked for you for months, and then the police declared you a goner as well. Do you know how badly that hurt us?” She asks, looking me in the eyes and giving me no choice but to look back into hers.  
“Momma Roxy, I don’t remember anything from the past two years. It’s all a huge blur. I remember leaving Dave’s funeral, but nothing after it. The next thing I can remember is waking up on John’s couch.” I say. Now everyone knows that I had gone crazy for two years. Wonderful.  
She studies me for any trace of a lie before nodding. “Dirk doesn’t remember much for the year after David’s funeral either. But David was his baby. Why did it last longer for you?”  
“I don’t know. I guess I just… fell apart. And Dave wasn’t there to pick up the pieces.”  
She slowly nodded again. “I can believe that.” Then she steps aside, and Dirk actually hugs me tightly.  
“You’re a fucking asshole. Everyone was thinking it. I just said it. You are an asshole.” He says softly.  
“I know.” There’s the tears. Dirk smells exactly like Dave. A strange musky man smell mixed with apple shampoo and take out dinners. I could never forget that smell. I held it so close to me for so long, and then had to watch my love die. I would do anything if it meant I could have Dave strider back in my arms.  
But even though I’m tearing up, the tears remain only in my eyes.

* * * 

I have been home for about two months and Jade, Jake and Jane have already gone back to Washington, but John and Casey are still staying with Rose. I was staying at Rose’s with them. I couldn’t really stay with Kankri, because yes he ended up with Latula, and the reason she was fat was, dun dah dah dah! She was pregnant! With Kankri’s kid. I’m going to be an uncle.  
I feel bad for Meulin though. She desperately wants to be a mother and have a legit family, but every time she tries to get into a relationship, either they only want her for a night, or her disability gets in the way. Kurloz is still in love with her, that’s obvious.  
I still feel like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I should cry for Dave, but I still haven’t. John wants to go visit Dave, and Rose suggested that I go with him. Like that would help. It won’t, in case anyone’s wondering.  
But I end up going with him anyway. But only because John himself asked me. For some reason, I can’t say no to him. It’s not like he forces me to do anything. It’s just like… I don’t know… like I’m supposed to. Like someone is telling me that it’s okay to go along with him.  
And once we get there, all of a sudden, my world is slowing to a stand still. I can feel myself moving, but I’m not here any more. Kind of like what happened two years ago. I feel myself breaking, only this time it’s accompanied by a frozen edge, like my body is becoming moving ice.  
Then a pair of arms wrap around me and I’m warm again, and the world is coming into focus once more. Only this time, it’s sharper than it had ever been. My senses go into overload, as well as my feelings. I can physically feel how broken I have become. I look over my shoulder and it’s John holding me together, not Dave. He’s looking at the grave stone in front of us. I knew the words engraved on the surface better than I knew my own mind. “Here lies David Elizabeth Strider, Jan. 23, 1992-May 29, 2011.”  
“You know…” John chuckles thickly, his voice heavy with emotion. “The last thing we talked about was how I was an idiot for having a kid and not making him the godmother.”  
I strange sound escapes me. It takes me a moment to realize that it was a sob. I’m actually crying. I take a shuddery breath, and release all of the pain and sorrow that I have been holding back for far too long. John holds me tightly and we rock back and forth slowly. He rubs gentle circles on my back and doesn’t say anything.  
It’s so unlike Dave. Dave held me together so that I would be able to hold it in and take tare of my siblings. I only cried a few times, and never this hard; and never in front of him; he understood; he always did. He knew I needed him so I could be strong for everyone.  
But John just lets my tears soak his shirt. He’s crying too, but not like me. Even after he stopped, he just held me, comforting me silently. He never once lets me go, and he never once shows any sign of being irritated with standing out here so long. Even when my fingernails are biting into his back and possibly making him bleed.  
Eventually, I look up from where I had buried my face in his shoulder and he just gives me a small, gentle smile. His eyes are still watery, but they are just so blue. He still doesn’t say anything, and we just stand there, holding each other in front of my dead boyfriend’s grave.  
“John…” I start softly, feeling myself fall into those big blue eyes.  
“Karkat…” He says softly, his eyes are warm and wonderful.  
We don’t say anything else for the few seconds it takes for our lips to touch softly. It doesn’t feel wrong at all. It feels like we’re being pushed together. Like someone needs this to happen. I press my lips against his a little bit more, and the tears start up again. Our eyes are closed, but I can still see him. This feels like the most right thing I’ve done since Dave died. This is a warmth that I have never felt before. It’s simply divine.

* * * 

I wake up with John drawing small circles on my lower back the next morning. I turn to look at him and smile because without his glasses, his eyes are even more beautiful.  
“Good morning, Karkat.” He says with a grin, his braces glinting in the morning light.  
“Mmmorning” I mumble, stretching lazily, grinning back.  
He leans forward and kisses me, and I giggle. I don’t know if this is wrong, but I really don’t care. It just feels so right.


End file.
